Quarter Life Crisis
Just Plain Awesome
When I saw this guy's first video
last year I thought it was pretty damn neat. However, his newest video
that just came out recently gave me the chills. Truly awe-inspiring. I highly recommend you watch it, then read his story here
OBJECTIONABLE CONTENT WARNING!!!
I'm not one to put porn on my blog, but I couldn't resist this picture...
Damn that's hot!! Ohhh, she's even got Zelda in the system. I'd like to get a piece of that Triforce. Hehe!
Serious Hat Tip to this dude my sister knows
Dog Bites Phone, Saves Man
Whoa! Check out this story
of a dog that called 911 and saved his owners life.
I haven't posted on the Cardinals yet this whole season, and for that I truly feel like a slacker. But while I hate to be a negative ninny, I have two words on last night's game...FUCKING EMBARASSING!
80's Music Quiz
I think I've taken this before but here it is again anyway. I scored an 80.5 but could have scored higher with less spelling errors.
The Worst Rock Band Ever
I had meant to post on this months ago when I first came across this article, but just didn't have the time to put a decent effort into it. Turns out that I don't even need to put any effort into it as former music critic J. Eric Smith
has already covered it all for me. Upon re-reading his composition I truly realized the depth, scope and attention to detail he put into this masterpiece. This article is the definitive competition for the prize of...THE WORST ROCK BAND EVER
He has a great system for coming to a fair decision with his rules and reasoning all laid out for you. Based on his rules, I agree with 90% of his decisions as well as his final pick for worst rock band ever. It's a long read but well worth it if you are even remotely into music.
10 Things I Hate About Commandments
Mid Week Jokes
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
The Missing "R"
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, The word was...." celebrate."
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'" Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain...."You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb shit get down."
How to Change Your Car's Oil
Oil Change Instructions for Women
1) Pull up to Mr. Lube when the mileage reaches 5000 kms from the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $30.00
Oil Change instructions for Men
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a 4L of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, cost $50.00.
2) Stop by the cold beer and wine store and buy a case of beer for $25.00 Drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Cuss again. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil every where from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in Trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Drive to cold beer and wine store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. Cuss.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Cuss. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Cuss. Wipe eyes with oily rag ud to clean drain plug. Cuss again. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Cuss and hit something!
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit the car leaving a dent.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in more oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during Steps 23 - 43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
Total - - $4,165.00
Letter From Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the Course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Or Vice Versa...
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Back From Mexico
Mondays' suck. Especially this one, since I'm now back to work after my week in Mexico. The vacation was an absolute blast with many stories & photos I shall soon share in a post entitled...
Sex, Drugs, & Habeneros: Stories of Mexico