Never Choke in a Southern Restaurant near Ignorant Bend.....
Two Ignorant Bend, Arkansas hillbillies walked into their favorite local Bar-b-Que Restaurant. After they ordered their meal, they talked about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The Woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her underpants, spreads her butt-checks and quickly gives her anus a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."Wal-Mart Wine
Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it began offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to buy a bottle of Wal-Mart brand, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
1. Chateau Traileur Parc
2. White Trashfindel
3. World Championship Riesling
5. Chef Boyardeaux
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat(Possum)or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.Grandmas Don't Know Everything
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'So.... you're a
man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police to arrive....'
Labels: funny, jokes
Finally, the US State Department realized they fucked up and relaxed the passport rules a bit
Some of you may remember this recent post where it came down to the day before I traveled before I got my passport. This was only after spending literally days on the phone with the passport hot-line, lying about my travel date (I told them I was travelling on 5/23 instead of my actual travel date of 5/25), and several phone calls to my congressman's office to help expedite the processing time. While I was one of the fortunate ones that actually did receive my passport, there were more than a few families that we bumped into while in Mexico who had to leave one or more people behind because their passports never arrived. I'm sure without the previously mentioned actions that I took, I doubt I would have gotten mine either.
I'm all for everyone being required to have passports in order to leave and re-enter the country. I think it's an excellent, simple, and cost effective step forward in helping to secure our borders. But, if the government is going to make it this difficult to do, I'd be willing to change my stance. This quote from Maura Harty, the assistant secretary for consular affairs at the US State Department, just reeks of "It's not our fault" type spin:
"What we did not anticipate adequately enough was the American citizens' willingness and desire to comply with the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative in the time frame that they did."
Shiny positive words like "willingness", "desire", and "comply" indicate that applying for a passport is some cheery process that everyone was really looking forward to doing. WRONG! You passed a law and made it mandatory. People knew that if they didn't have a passport, they weren't going to get on the plane. It wasn't a matter of willingness or desire.
And you can't tell me that the EFFING US GOVERNMENT doesn't have travel data about how many people fly to Mexico, the Caribbean, and Canada each year. Sweet Christ! Your local travel agent has that kind of information.
Here's what that quote should have looked like:
"We apologize to the American people for this massive oversight by the US State Department. We did not do adequate research on the number of American citizens that travel to these destinations to which the new passport laws apply. Furthermore, we had neither the staff nor the infrastructure in place to handle the increased demand for passports when this law was passed. Our sincerest apologies go out to all Americans who's travel plans have been affected by this mistake."
Buck up and take the blame guys. You passed the law, now deal with it.
Labels: anger, political, vacation
I Knew it All Along...
...most homework (especially for young children) is a giant waste of time
. Somehow I made it all the way to college without ever doing so much as a lick of homework (other than major papers & projects) and still managed to be in accelerated classes, score a 29 on my ACT, a 1380 on my SAT and graduate from a private University with a 3.4 GPA. Even in college, I rarely cracked a book to "study". Just pay attention in class, take some concise notes, do good research when working on papers and projects and skip all the eff-ing crap they send home with you. It seemed to work out OK for me.
I Hate Nancy Grace...
That's right ladies. I'm-a gettin hitched.
Karyn and I on the beach the night after our engagement.
Proposal and ring pictures as well as stories from Mexico to follow.
Labels: engagement, love, vacation