Quarter Life Crisis

Fantasy Football Logo

2008-09-03T11:02:00.001-05:00

Did this in photoshop this morning. My team is "The Fighting Amish"

In Answer To Your Question...

2008-02-21T09:58:00.003-06:00

...Yes, I've all but completely given up on blogging for the following reasons:

A) No one reads this shit but a select few. Those few are people I generally speak to in "the real world" several times a month or more.

B) I used to do almost all my blogging from work, where my responsibilities have grown making it almost impossible for me to find any free time. This is especially true in an election year (where we do double the amount of shows from a normal year) and right as we are preparing to move the entire warehouse.

C) My free time away from work has been spent either planning a wedding, spending time with my future wife, spending time with my friends and family, or playing Warcraft. I don't have time for blogging.

D) Unless you'd really like to read about the wonders of wedding invitations, how my Warcraft character is progressing, or the exciting world of producing last minute political events for a candidate that isn't going to win, then you'd be SOL. I really don't have much else worth writing about these days.

E) From what I've found at least, the blogging trend seems to be dying out. Those blogs that are successful and have a decent readership will stick around, but the lame ones like mine are starting to fade in numbers. Unlike 2006 when Time magazine named "YOU" the person of the year because everyone and their brother had a blog and/or a MySpace page, I don't think anyone really cares anymore. Even people I know who went ape shit over MySpace 2 years ago, simply don't give a flying fudge about it these days.

I'm certainly going to keep the website up and around, and maybe someday in the near future will resume blogging once again. This almost certainly won't be until after the wedding, after we've moved the shop, and after the presidential elections. I even thought briefly about turning this sucker into a music blog, but I don't even follow new music as closely as I used to. Maybe I'm just getting boring as I get older who knows?

Until next time...

YES!!!!!

2007-09-12T10:46:00.000-05:00

THE RETURN OF THE MIGHTY ZEPPELIN!!

Sacrificial Goats

2007-09-06T00:03:00.000-05:00

Just one of the many reasons I'm not religious. I don't think this one really needs more of an explanation than that.

The North Winds Are Blowing

2007-08-30T11:11:00.000-05:00

11:00 AM and the temperatures in the Lou have yet to crack 80. Fall is just around the corner. This is a good thing.

Also, for the first time this summer I have made it more than two days in a row without having a drop of alcohol. I'm on day five without hitting the sauce. However, the annual Majestic Fantasy Football draft is this evening at 10:00 PM and I expect the beer will be flowing like... well... Beer.

Lazy Joke Post

2007-08-03T11:57:00.000-05:00

The L-Train brought it to my attention the other day that I hadn't posted in almost too months. So here's a lazy post that should buy me a little bit more time before I resume regularly scheduled blogging activities.

Like AL said "The Summers Ain't for Blogging"

LIFE

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

LIFE... has now been explained to you :-)

MARRAIGE

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered....

"THE TEETH."

DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"!

PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of intense love making, he notices a photo of another Man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

THE POOR BOX

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

LEMON JUICE

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

DOG FUNERAL

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

SEX WITH COLLEGE GIRLS

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

THE STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter".

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard!

“That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.....

And before he could say "Fuck", the Rottweiler ate him!

WOMENS PRAYER / MENS PRAYER

THE WOMAN'S PRAYER –

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
That knows the answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S PRAYER –

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

COUNTING COWS

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

Now give me back my dog."

Joke Time

2007-06-14T13:56:00.000-05:00

Never Choke in a Southern Restaurant near Ignorant Bend.....

Two Ignorant Bend, Arkansas hillbillies walked into their favorite local Bar-b-Que Restaurant. After they ordered their meal, they talked about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her underpants, spreads her butt-checks and quickly gives her anus a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Wal-Mart Wine

Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it began offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to buy a bottle of Wal-Mart brand, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

1. Chateau Traileur Parc
2. White Trashfindel
3. World Championship Riesling
4. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat(Possum)or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'So.... you're a
man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police to arrive....'

Well It's About Damn Time

2007-06-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

Finally, the US State Department realized they fucked up and relaxed the passport rules a bit.

Some of you may remember this recent post where it came down to the day before I traveled before I got my passport. This was only after spending literally days on the phone with the passport hot-line, lying about my travel date (I told them I was travelling on 5/23 instead of my actual travel date of 5/25), and several phone calls to my congressman's office to help expedite the processing time. While I was one of the fortunate ones that actually did receive my passport, there were more than a few families that we bumped into while in Mexico who had to leave one or more people behind because their passports never arrived. I'm sure without the previously mentioned actions that I took, I doubt I would have gotten mine either.

I'm all for everyone being required to have passports in order to leave and re-enter the country. I think it's an excellent, simple, and cost effective step forward in helping to secure our borders. But, if the government is going to make it this difficult to do, I'd be willing to change my stance. This quote from Maura Harty, the assistant secretary for consular affairs at the US State Department, just reeks of "It's not our fault" type spin:

"What we did not anticipate adequately enough was the American citizens' willingness and desire to comply with the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative in the time frame that they did."

Shiny positive words like "willingness", "desire", and "comply" indicate that applying for a passport is some cheery process that everyone was really looking forward to doing. WRONG! You passed a law and made it mandatory. People knew that if they didn't have a passport, they weren't going to get on the plane. It wasn't a matter of willingness or desire.

And you can't tell me that the EFFING US GOVERNMENT doesn't have travel data about how many people fly to Mexico, the Caribbean, and Canada each year. Sweet Christ! Your local travel agent has that kind of information.

Here's what that quote should have looked like:

"We apologize to the American people for this massive oversight by the US State Department. We did not do adequate research on the number of American citizens that travel to these destinations to which the new passport laws apply. Furthermore, we had neither the staff nor the infrastructure in place to handle the increased demand for passports when this law was passed. Our sincerest apologies go out to all Americans who's travel plans have been affected by this mistake."

Buck up and take the blame guys. You passed the law, now deal with it.

I Knew it All Along...

2007-06-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

...most homework (especially for young children) is a giant waste of time. Somehow I made it all the way to college without ever doing so much as a lick of homework (other than major papers & projects) and still managed to be in accelerated classes, score a 29 on my ACT, a 1380 on my SAT and graduate from a private University with a 3.4 GPA. Even in college, I rarely cracked a book to "study". Just pay attention in class, take some concise notes, do good research when working on papers and projects and skip all the eff-ing crap they send home with you. It seemed to work out OK for me.

I Hate Nancy Grace...

2007-06-07T12:09:00.000-05:00

...so I absolutely had to post this clip.

Back From Vacation, Off The Market

2007-06-05T10:21:00.000-05:00

That's right ladies. I'm-a gettin hitched.

Karyn and I on the beach the night after our engagement.

Proposal and ring pictures as well as stories from Mexico to follow.

Gone Fishin... Be Back Soon

2007-05-24T17:16:00.000-05:00

I'll be standing in exactly this spot in less than 17 hours.

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme

2007-05-23T12:54:00.001-05:00

Holy shit I want one!

Really F@cking Pissed!

2007-05-20T23:55:00.000-05:00

I applied for my passport on Wednesday March 7. At the time I applied the wait time for a passport was 8 weeks. I travel to Mexico on Friday of this week. I still have yet to receive my passport. This after a phone call on Tuesday to the National Passport Agency, I was told I would have it in my hands by Sunday (yesterday).

We're heading into week 11 here. My friends Nick and Erin applied for their passports a week after me yet still received them over a week ago. If I don't have my passport by Wednesday of this week, heads are going to fucking roll. YOU HEAR ME STATE DEPARTMENT? HEADS WILL FUCKING ROLL!!!

UPDATE: This morning (5/23) at 7:15 am, after 50 phone calls, tons of anxious waiting, and I near nervous breakdown, I finally got my passport. Now excuse me while I go dance a jig.

He Got Served

2007-05-09T14:20:00.000-05:00

This dude seriously got served.

Debt Free & Fat Free

2007-05-04T14:21:00.000-05:00

For those of you who didn't already know, last month I officially paid off my gigantic $17,000 credit card debt that I racked up during college. I didn't have a job the last year of college so I could focus on school, but I was still living like I did have a job. Combine that with the fact that I had to move to Nashville for 4 months to do my internship and BAM!, you've got yourself one hell of a debt.

So finally 6 years and about 28 large later, it's all but a painful memory. $400 bones a month is what it took, which doesn't absolutely destroy the pocketbook but it certainly puts a damper on doing all that stuff you want to do when you are a young twenty-something.

I'm also close to being "fat free" in a sense. The diet and exercise program (that I invented myself with no outside help thank you very much) that I put myself on back in March is working pretty damn well. After exactly two months I've dropped a grand total of 19 lbs of pure fat (I started at 171 and weighed in this morning at 152). Realistically, it's probably closer to about 22 lbs of fat that I've lost as I've put on at least 2 or 3 pounds of lean muscle in my upper body. I'm still about 4 lbs away from my goal of 148, but I've got three more weeks before I hit the beautiful sandy beaches of Playa Del Carmen, Mexico, so it shouldn't be a problem. These last few pounds seem to be the hardest though, that's for sure.

I'm going to eat and drink like a crazy starving pirate down there so I fully expect to put about 4 pounds back on the first week. Then of course I'll come home and eat all the food I missed for the past 3 months which will probably tack on another 4 lbs or so. After that, I'm planning on sticking to this lifestyle for a while. I won't keep my diet as strict, but some elements of it will no doubt stick around. I'll also continue to hit the gym at least a few times a week. I'd like to end up around 148 like I said above, but with more muscle and less fat than the 148 I'll be when I get on the plane in 3 weeks. There's significant room for improvement in that muscle to fat ratio still but I think it's an achievable goal.

Now if I could only quit smoking...

Lazy Blogging (More Fun and Crazy Web Bits)

2007-04-25T11:05:00.000-05:00

I'm lazy today, but I actually felt like blogging. So here's a bunch more links and video clips to entertain you...

First off, Maroon 5 is finally going to release their sophomore album titled, "It Won't Be Soon Before Long" five years after their debut album sold over 6 million copies and spawned five Top 10 singles in the US alone. For being pop music, I was pretty damned impressed with the songwriting and musicianship on the first album. I was looking forward to the next album and it's finally here. I must say, I was skeptical that the band could come back with a solid record after not putting one out for five years. Well, the first single "Makes Me Wonder" is out and it's pretty freaking good. Sounds like Michael Jackson or Prince singing over Morris Day and the Time with a bit of Stevie Wonder and a dash of Justin Timberlake's solo stuff. Nice and funky. Check it out here.

Here's the trippiest toilet training video I've ever seen (from Japan of course).

Here's a phony tribute to American servicemen done in the style of a cheesy country ballad. This might seem offensive, but I'd be willing to guess most of our boys overseas would find this pretty funny.

Here's SNL's take on what John Mayer and Jessica Simpson's relationship must be like. (I love John Mayer but I question his decision to date Jessica Simpson. I guess he's a boob guy.) Also on that page the SNL classic, Canteen Boy.

Here's a hilarious mash-up of clips from "Anchorman" and the dialogue from the preview for the movie "300". I think it actually might be funnier than the entire movie "Anchorman".

This dude either has a shitload of time on his hands or is just really good with a ping pong ball. Never play beer pong with this guy. Even if it's fake, still pretty cool.

This is by far the most awesome video for a European Dance Party on a cable access channel I've ever seen. Hahahaha!

This guy paints a large depiction of Bruce Lee using only black paint and his fists of fury.

Sesame Street, Relived

2007-04-19T12:10:00.000-05:00

I know you all remember these.

How crayons are made.

These people were on acid.

Edith Ann's sandwich.

Sorry...

2007-04-18T23:03:00.000-05:00

... about the lack of posts lately (as if anyone actually reads this anyway), but I've been busy as hell at work as well in the personal life arena. Makes for some good stories and such which I'll hopefully share soon. Stay tuned.

Opening Day (UPDATED & IN ORDER!)

2007-04-03T00:29:00.000-05:00

YouTubin' Monday

2007-04-02T16:06:00.000-05:00

I'll get to my Opening Day post later, but until then check out these fine clips & links from around the net...

Sad Kermit - A brilliant cover of NIN's "Hurt" as done by our favorite green friend which parodies the Johnny Cash version of the song. Very funny.

Peanut Butter: The Atheists Worst Nightmare - This absolutely ridiculous video attempts to debunk evolution by basically saying that since new life doesn't spontaneously pop up in random jars of peanut butter, there is no way that evolution is possible. Both scary (that people actually believe this) and funny (because people do actually believe this) at the same time. I feel dumber for watching it.

Free Google Broadband! - See if you can figure this one out. I did.

"My Humps", by Alanis Morissette - Alanis does a parody version of My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas that shows how truly fucking ludicrous the song is. Not that I'm a big Alanis Morissette fan, but props to her for making fun of this most laughable of pop songs.

The Fab Faux - A truly great Beatles tribute band doing a note for note perfect cover of "I Am The Walrus" on David Letterman. Also worth checking out: While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Dear Prudence, Magical Mystery Tour (clip), and Drive My Car.

Simpsons Couch Joke - The couch gag at the beginning of an episode of "The Simpsons" is one of the best known running jokes on TV. This past weeks episode featured the longest couch gag of them all (about 4 billion years long that is). My favorite of all time (at least that I can recall).

Mencia ripping off Cosby - One of the worst comedians in pop culture, Carlos Mencia, stealing a joke straight from Bill Cosby.

Happy Friday Thoughts

2007-03-30T16:34:00.000-05:00

A couple of links to brighten your Friday...

The first is a YouTube video that has already been viewed 12 million times (how did I miss this?). It's called "Free Hugs". Just the true story of some dude who thought it might be nice to offer everyone a hug to brighten their day (the story gets better though, read it here). In today's world of social dis-connectivity and lack of human contact I think it's a pretty cool idea. But hey, I'm a sap for this kind of stuff. The song in the video, "All The Same" by Sick Puppies, is pretty damn good too. The video also just won "Most Inspirational" at the first annual YouTube Video Awards. So, go hug your friends (and maybe even a stranger) tonight.

Next, check out this Cardinals Season Preview by Will Leitch over at Deadspin (More nostalgic than an actual preview). Spot-f*cking-on man! I feel almost exactly the same way. Being at those three games of the World Series were some of the best nights of my life. I'm not sure how baseball will ever compare to that again. (Hat tip to Boxcar Fritz for the link.)

Things I've Learned So Far on My Diet

2007-03-28T14:02:00.000-05:00

- Fuji apples are the best damn apple ever cultivated

- Properly peeling a hard-boiled egg can sometimes be just as challenging as solving a Rubik's Cube

- Light Miracle whip is about 10 times better for you than real mayo and tastes just as good in tuna salad

- Some wizard using black magic developed a curse to make apples taste like grapes (Mmmm...Black magic apple)

- Broiling fish brushed with olive oil in the oven creates smoke... lots and lots of smoke

- I have a new-found love for milk chocolate Ensure (it has become the highlight of my day)

- Rice cakes only taste like cardboard when compared to a hamburger. When you're hungry enough to eat your shoe, they taste quite delicious.

- I really miss eating those tiny 60 cent snack bags of Cheetos each afternoon

- Guinness only has 125 calories (per 12 oz. serving)

- Lot's of protein in your diet causes some seriously solid poos

- Drinking 8 or more glasses of water a day is really good for you. (Of course, I actually always knew this, I just never realized how good it actually is)

- I like slightly green bananas better than slightly brown ones

- Taco Bell and Steak n' Shake taste like little slices of heaven when you have been eating nothing but yogurt, fruit, wild rice and fish all week

- Eating greasy shitty food really fucks up your stomach. I haven't had a stomach cramp or even so much as a really nasty fart for a month

- Not eating after 10:00 PM makes me sleep like a baby

- Only eating 300 - 400 calories at each meal makes your stomach shrink drastically

- Grocery shopping by yourself when you are on a diet and not going completely insane with the desire to purchase everything in the freshly prepared entrees section near the deli at Dierbergs and take it around back of the store to scarf it down like a fiendish little troll takes a willpower that is beyond the measure of mortal men

- Finding something that is both healthy and tasty at a fast food restaurant is a task better left up to Jim Phelps or Ethan Hunt

The Plot Thickens

2007-03-22T09:27:00.000-05:00

As if the backlash the Cardinals front office is going to be getting from smokers weren't enough, now they get to deal with this too...

LaRussa Arrested for DUI in Jupiter

Sounds like the poor dude was more tired than drunk. I've been pulled over and blown a .10 before and been let go. Even at .10 I did not feel intoxicated and passed all the stupid human tricks.

So anyway, it looks like the Cardinals will have some more shit to deal with now. I'm sure all the MADD people (pun intended) will be calling for his resignation, and that certainly doesn't help their "health conscious", "fan safety" stance on this whole smoking ban thing. Bad timing Tony.

My Girlfriend Rocks!

2007-03-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

Karyn and my anniversary falls on June 1st each year. Last year we were in Mexico and exchanged gifts there. I figured that we would be doing the same this year even though we'll be traveling back that day. I was wrong. My anniversary present came a few months early this year out of necessity. See the photo below and you'll understand why.

Yes that is what you think, baseball tickets. Two tickets to 27 games to be exact. That's a third of a season which is to say the least a lot of games, not to mention a very generous anniversary present. The tickets are part of the "Rolen Business Plan" and she happened to get seats in the same section (453, Row 4, Seats 4 & 5) I spent all three home games of the World Series in. Nice. Since it's a business plan, all the games are on weeknights except one...

Yes that is opening day folks. And I'm pumped. Only one problem. How do I top that anniversary gift?

UPDATE: Liam's sources were indeed correct. The Cardinals will ban smoking in the stadium this year. That means I'll spend part of my day writing letters tomorrow. Liam already presented all the major arguments against the ban, so I won't bother ranting about it... for now.

Blues Game

2007-03-14T13:41:00.000-05:00

Went to my first Blues game in two years on Saturday night against Montreal. Even though we lost the game 3-4, it was a pretty damn good one as the Blues came back down 3-0 and tied the game with only a minute or so to play. Unfortunately those damn Canadiens came back with the go-ahead-goal only 30 seconds later. I was really looking forward to seeing OT and possibly my first live shootout. Got to wear my Jersey for only the second time in 2 years, the first time was to a bar during that unbelievable run we had back in January. I think we beat the Ducks (best team in hockey at the time) 6-2 on their "pond" that night. Maybe I'll go to another game so I can have a chance to wear my Team USA jersey.

Oh well, still had fun. Probably the best seats (in my opinion) I've ever had for a hockey game too. Section 103, Row Q I thinks. That's pretty much right on the center line and just above even with the top of the glass. Right behind the benches too. Those have to be some of the best seats in the house. Some people like being up on the glass which is cool because you see the players faces and hear the rink noise, but you miss a lot of the action. Some like being up higher so that you can see the plays develop better, see the whole rink at the same time, and you're not constantly looking back and forth. I think those seats give you a great combination of both worlds.

I've been really impressed so far this season with what the new ownership / management team has done. The kids (Stempniak, McClement, Backes) are all looking good, the prospects we have are looking pretty promising, and the trades they have made are all for the best too. They ownership is doing some pretty amazing promotions (see $7 season tickets) to win the fans back as well.

Anyway, after the game Karyn and I headed to Bugaloo in Maplewood to meet up with the gang and down some adult beverages for Lindsay's b-day. Afterwords I had my cheat meal for the week at Steak n' Shake in the form of a double bacon cheeseburger and large cheese fries. Cheating isn't always bad.

Sunday I watched the first Cardinals game on NBC in like 20 years. I haven't been following spring training much because like Scott, (who is back blogging again!) I was so emotionally drained from last season that I sort of took a step back and let things develop as they may during the winter and the spring. I did wash may Cards jersey for the first time in a year though. The same jersey I wore to all three home World Series games last year. Coincidence? You decide. Anyway, new season... clean jersey.

On A Diet

2007-03-08T14:08:00.000-06:00

I'm on day four of my first official diet ever and so far things are looking up. It's a pretty strict regimen of low fat, low carb, high protein foods. It's definitely not easy to stick to, as the smell of the delicious fare from the Billy Goat wafts past through my building on a regular basis, and the snack box here at work is staring me down and teasing me hourly.

So far I've only cheated once on Tuesday by eating some leftovers (which weren't that bad) from Macaroni Grill (where I ate my last meal not on a diet on Sunday night). I have had about three beers each day, but they have all been Bud Selects (only 99 calories) and have all kept me within my 2000 calorie a day limit.

I'm currently weighing in between 163.5 and 165.5 pounds which is down from my normal weight of between 167 - 170. So I figure I've lost three pounds. This is so far without any exercise.

I bought some new tennis shoes and some athletic clothes on Sunday with the intention of hitting the gym this week, but I haven't found the time to make it yet. In case you're wondering what I'm chowing on, here's the basic info:

BREAKFAST - TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 412
One banana
One cup of Yoplait Light yogurt
One hard boiled egg w/ light salt
One cup of Naked brand fruit juice
One cup of black coffee

LUNCH - TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 396
One apple
One can of tuna w/ 1 tsp of light Miracle Whip
One hard boiled egg

MID-DAY SNACK - TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 292
One can of Ensure High Protein Meal replacement drink
One orange

DINNER - TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 578
One chicken breast (or piece of fresh fish
One cup of garden salad w/ light Italian dressing
One cup wild rice
One cup steamed veggies

TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE FOR DAY: 1678

That's actually a pretty insane diet if you think about it. 2000 calories is pretty low already for an adult male, and no less than 1800 is recommended, but I feel OK (other than Monday where I had a dizzy spell before I ate dinner) and haven't really felt hungry since Monday night.

I'd like to lose about 25 pounds of fat and gain about 10-15 pounds of muscle putting me at my ideal weight of 155 and toned. We'll see if that happens. I'd really be happy with losing 15 pounds of fat and gaining 5 lbs of muscle. That would put me at a healthy and slimmer 160. I guess we'll see what happens between now and the time I leave for Mexico. After that, I'm going back to eating real food. I'll probably keep working out when I get back, but I can't live without me some red meat at least a few times a week.

I Like These New Coins

2007-03-08T13:57:00.000-06:00

Looks like someone at the US Mint ~~proudly and intentionally~~ accidentally left the phrase "In God We Trust" off the new George Washington dollar coins. I must say my heathen ass approves.

This story covering the incident is worth a chuckle or two.

Damn the 40's Were Weird

2007-03-05T15:51:00.000-06:00

Check out this bizarre 4 minute commercial for potato salad from 1944. What do contortionists have to do with fucking potato salad anyway? Oh well, I guess it's not as much of a stretch as some of today's shitty commercials.

New Cool Site

2007-02-26T14:38:00.000-06:00

Laura emailed me a link to this hilarious piece of work the other day which I suggest you check out. It's good for some laughs.

I spent a few minutes browsing around the rest of stuff on there and found a goldmine of goodies.

So The Office Spam Blog is going on the ol' blog roll.

Check out the photos of Tiger Woods house that they have on there. What a rough life.

Science vs. Religion Flowchart

2007-02-26T11:25:00.000-06:00

You'll probably have to click the picture to read this one properly.

Hat tip to C for finding that one for me.

Gates vs. Jobs

2007-02-22T09:33:00.000-06:00

Here's a funny little IFilm video replicating the Apple vs. Mac commercials where Steve Jobs plays the role of the Mac, and Bill Gates plays the role of the PC.

Worth a look at least.

On a related note, here's a similar add for the PS3 vs. the Wii.

Bumper Stickers

2007-02-22T09:18:00.000-06:00

I've had this in my inbox for like two weeks now. I'll go ahead and post it because some of these are at least 'tounge-in-cheek' funny. I am not trying to start any political debates here. I know this is gonna piss a few of you off, so if you hate it, sorry.

Bumper Stickers for 2007

At Least Nixon Resigned

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

Who's God Do You Kill For?

Cheney/Satan '08

Jail to the Chief
No, seriously, why did we invade Iraq?

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Is It Vietnam Yet?

Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

Impeach Cheney First

Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

Pray For Impeachment

Fermez la Bush

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

One Nation Under Clod

Friday News Bits

2007-02-16T12:44:00.000-06:00

The FDA just approved a new "laser comb" that apparently regrows hair. <sarcasm>And it only costs about $500 bucks!</sarcasm> OK so maybe I'll actually wait to see if it works and if the price drops, my bald ass may invest in one.

Westminster Best in Show dog may lose his crown. Funny stuff there.

This poor girl can't stop hiccuping. Doctors are stumped even after CAT scans, blood tests, and an MRI. She's going constantly 24 hours a day and hiccuping about 50 times a minute.

Go check out some of the new "high tech luxury vehicles" that will soon be available to the public... for a hefty price.

"Hey Ya!" Acoustic. As if you haven't heard "Hey Ya" by Outkast enough! But not like this. A really beautiful and passoinate take on the track by Matt Weddle of Obadiah Parker.

Red & A.J.

2007-02-16T12:00:00.000-06:00

I tell you what, if this picture doesn't warm your baseball loving heart on a cold winters day, you have no soul.

Yup, that's Red Schoendist sitting and talking baseball with little 6 year old A.J. Pujols. I saw that on the cover of the St Louis Post Dispatch yesterday and was immediately taken aback. What a cool photo. Looks like it could be a Norman Rockwell painting.

Wow! Apparently I'm not the only one who sees the significance of this picture. Brian Burwell wrote a whole story on it.

From the article...

"Red was decked out in his Cardinal uniform, and A.J. wore shorts, sneakers and a T-shirt. The kid was pounding his glove and smiling. The old man seemed to be smiling, too. They seemed lost in a delightful baseball conversation, the Hall of Fame baseball elder and the wide-eyed son of new baseball royalty.

A little boy dreaming, and an old man reminiscing.

I smiled because suddenly I felt like a little boy, too."

300!

2007-02-12T21:07:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else think "300" could be the baddest-ass movie of the year?

"300" is the highly artistic and stylized story based on Frank Miller's graphic novel which is based loosely on the actual Battle of Thermopylae where 300 Spartans fought off one million Persians (or so the movie claims) which took place in the summer of 480 BC . Do i think it will be historically accurate? Doubtful. Will it fucking be visually stunning and kick some major ass? Certainly. It's a cross between "Sin City" and "Gladiator" / "Lord of the Rings", how could it not be awesome. There are no major Hollywood stars (other than the lead, Gerard Butler who's most notable role is the Phantom in the recent screen adaption of "The Phantom of the Opera") and nothing but a vague Hollywood influence.

In case you haven't seen the trailers yet... here's trailer numero uno:

And here's number two...

Notice how every shot looks like a painting? Notice also the how the rule of thirds is applied in the cinematography? (C-naff's back me up on this) I'm planning on seeing it opening day. Anyone interested?

Mr. Deity

2007-02-12T15:56:00.000-06:00

Oh man this shit is good! I've posted Episode 1: "Mr. Deity and the Evil" below. I'd also recommend episodes two and four. Every one is worth a watch, but numbers 1, 2, & 4 are especially good. Talk about a great satire of the arguments against the exsistence of a Christian God. Haha!

Episode 2: "Mr. Deity and the Really Big Favor"
Episode 3: "Mr. Deity and The Light"
Episode 4: "Mr. Deity and The Messages"
Episode 5: "Mr. Deity and Lucifer"
Episode 6: "Mr. Deity Extra: The Superbowl Press Conference"

New RS Cover

2007-02-12T15:50:00.000-06:00

Guess who's favorite young guitarist / singer / songwriter is on the cover of the new RS as one of the "New Guitar Gods"?

If you are interested you can check out a little jam session with the three cover boys... John Mayer, John Frusciante, and Derek Trucks

Surf's Up Dewd!

2007-02-12T11:51:00.000-06:00

I was watching some Discovery Channel in High Def (which is f-ing awesome BTW) last night and caught a program called "The Big Swell" about big wave surfers. I had to post this video of professional big wave surfer Daniel Laird surfing some of the worlds heaviest, meanest waves. Watch the last wave he rides in the video; seriously impressive.

To Start Your Week...

2007-02-05T01:46:00.000-06:00

...what has to be the most ridiculous play in the history of the NHL:

...

Never say die baby!

Linkin' it Up

2007-01-19T11:22:00.000-06:00

Some cool shit I've come across recently on the ol' web:

Gnarls Biggie: A sweet music mash-up of Notorious BIG and Gnarls Barkley.

Sweep the Leg: An awesome music video tribute to The Karate Kid by the band No More Kings. The video stars most of the Cobra Kai Clan (including "Johnny", William Zabka, and "The Cobra Kai Sensi", Martin Kove) from the original Karate Kid movie. Absolutely fucking awesome. Pretty good song too. Sounds like a cross between Maroon 5 and Jamiroquai. The site looks like you have to sign up for the mailing list to watch the video, but just click below on the button that says "Just watch the video". It has about a 2 minute intro you'll have to sit through as well. Oh, and Daniel-son is in it also.

The Ring: The movie re-cut to into a family drama.

Miami Vice Pilot: A clip from the original TV pilot, set to "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins. Classic 80's awesomeness.

Iphone: A spoof commercial for Apple's new Iphone from the comedic genius of Conan O'Brien.

Spiders on Drugs: No need to really explain this one, just watch it. Funny stuff.

I've Got the Blues Again

2007-01-19T10:31:00.000-06:00

I'm talking hockey here folks. I'm excited about it for the first time in years. The extended labor dispute and ensuing strike took all the fun out of my hockey loving heart for a while. It didn't help when the games resumed that the Blues missed the playoffs for the first time in 27 years and finished dead last in the NHL only winning 21 out of 82 games. Ouch!

This year didn't start much better, but I had faith that the new ownership knew what they were doing and didn't quite give up altogether on this season. My faith was rewarded recently with the firing of coach Mike Kitchen (who IMHO was only a band-aid coach there to fill a hole temporarily). He was replaced by Andy Murray, former coach of the L.A. Kings.

The Blues were in the midst of an 11 game win-less streak when Murray stepped in. Within three games, he had righted the ship and sent our boys in a new direction. The Blues record over the past 15 games is 11-2-2. In that span we've beaten both the Buffalo Sabres and The Anaheim Mighty Ducks, two teams tied for the second most points in the NHL.

I've been wearing my Blues jersey again for the first time in two years and have watched at least part of each of the last 6 or 7 games. Hockey is fun to watch again and the Blues have tons of young talent. What's even more exciting is that our two top draft picks from last years draft aren't even playing yet but are both playing extremely well in their respective leagues.

Although I'm not calling the playoffs out of the question yet for us this year, the future is definitely bright for the Blues.

MLB Trivia

2006-12-29T00:49:00.000-06:00

Game... "Guess who?"

Facts... Current MLB player. Plays first base. Third grade photo below.

Hint: I live in St. Louis and my girlfriend went to elementary school with him (I made this way too easy)

"Posthumously" by The Formula Kid

2006-12-20T16:08:00.000-06:00

For those of you who may be interested (and even those of you who aren't), go check out the new Formula Kid album. Even though the band broke up several months ago, Drew still sat down and finished the record. At least most of it. I think they still had about three songs left to record, one of which, "Twenty Miles to Waterloo" is halfway finished and posted here.

It's definitely worth a listen. I happen to like it a lot and was saddened to hear that the Formula Kid was to be no more. I'm looking forward to what Drew can do as a solo artist though. He's a damn good songwriter and a helluva vocalist.

Three Minute Management Course

2006-12-19T14:36:00.000-06:00

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

I Wanna Play Music

2006-12-06T15:21:00.000-06:00

Ever since I really got into music back when I was a junior in high school, I've not-so-secretly wanted to be a rock star. I know now that the odds of that happening are slim to none, and that's OK. But eight or nine years ago when I was a starry eyed Audio Production major playing in a good band, that dream didn't seem so impossible. Years later after drummers that moved to LA, a failed debut recording project that never even made it to overdubs, missing band practices, and just being plain lazy I was burnt out and essentially gave up on music. Other things just became more important; finishing school, finding a job, pulling myself out of a two year long depression, getting out of debt.

Mind you this was also in the midst of a slew of horrible music that was being released to the general public and even finding a good new record to pickup was a chore. I wasn't confident in my playing ability or my songwriting ability and even my voice (which I was always knew was good) was battling adult onset asthma and chronic bronchitis. I set down my guitar around 5 years ago now and other the occasional strum or two for nostalgia's sake I haven't picked it up since (other than for a brief stint in Nick's basement).

Lately I've been hearing a lot of decent new music both on the radio and some that is less than mainstream. Let's say I've been inspired. Things have settled down a bit in my life and I've been getting the itch to do something besides sit in a bar and waste my time away. So the time has come again for me to start doing what I always wanted to do. I'm dusting off the guitars and taking them in for some work and after that it's back to practicing at least 8 hours a week.

Like I said I haven't played in forever so this will take some work, but I'm saddened already that I've missed out on several of the best years of my life that could have been better spent playing music. I want to play music with other people again; smoke a joint and just jam for 4 hours. I want to play music for other people again, even if it's just 5 people staying late down at the Majestic or 30 people at a coffee house.

One of the absolute best moments of my entire life was about a decade ago in Pete's basement. A huge party with about 200 people in attendance. Our band (the Awegazes) were playing that night. The cops had already been called and we knew it was time to cut the set short so we decided to go straight to our closer, Pink Floyd's "Time". Jess, the brains behind our band and the front man said his voice was going sore and asked if I wanted to sing it. Of course I said yes and stepped up to the mic. We nailed the song and for one brief moment in my life I felt like a rock star. During the song, I looked out at a crowd of people who had been mostly uninterested with our performance of original material to find that people were at the front of the stage singing along with fists in the air and smiles on their faces. There's an image stuck in my head of my brother, my girlfriend, and all my best friends smiling and singing back at me. In my head it constantly plays in slow motion like the final scene of a movie.

I don't want the movie to be over yet...

El Monstero y Los Masked Avengers

2006-11-30T12:48:00.000-06:00

It's getting to be that time of year agian. They are doing 4 shows this year with a larger budget which means more lazers, moving lights, and theatrics. Anyone interested in going again? Tickets are only $22 bones for nearly a 4 hour show!

Joke Time

2006-11-30T12:04:00.000-06:00

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said," These girl nights have got to stop!

I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said:

From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.

FART FOOTBALL

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the husband passes gas and says, "Seven Points.".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?".

The husband replied, "It's fart football.".

A few minutes later, his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score.".

After about five minutes, the husband lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.".

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score.".

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal...I lead 17 to 14.".

Now the pressure is on the husband.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?".

The husband says, "Halftime...switch sides."

I'm A Lazy Blogger

2006-11-29T13:03:00.000-06:00

In the past 3 months there are about 10 major events that I had intended to post about and probably should have but never got around to it. Granted, I've been busier than ever at work, been living at Karyn's house away from my computer, and have had plenty of stuff to keep me busy in the evenings (baseball playoffs, drinking, playing cards, etc). All of that is still no excuse. Coming soon look for me to work backwards in time and at least highlight or post some pictures about some of the following stuff:

The worst storm I've ever lived through
The John Mayer concert
My 10 year high school reunion
My giant October birthday party
The MLB playoffs and World Series
My playoff beard
Thanksgiving weekend

And here's a few things I'm considering posting about in the near future:

My big 2005 and 2006 music reviews
Posting my Christmas list so you can all buy me presents (Ha Ha, just kidding)
New Years at the Majestic??? (I'll have to talk to "The Meat" about this one first)

Skoopy

2006-11-14T14:51:00.001-06:00

I stumbled on this site called Skoopy the other day. A collection of hilarious and bizarre videos and photos from around the web. Most of the vids are already on Youtube or Google Video, but this cuts out some of the browsing for the funniest/coolest stuff.

Here's a few of my favorites:

Walking on water (or non-Newtonian fluid as the case may be)

The most bizarre exercise video ever

Massive explosions

Funny advertisement for a Women's Costume Store

Minivan hit by lighting

Hilarious fake toilet paper commercial

The coolest whiteboard ever

Christina Aguilera hitting the highest note I've ever heard a pop singer hit live. You'll have to fast forward to 1:59 and watch until 2:11. (No, I don't like her music but I do think she's hot and I can appreciate the fact that she has a great voice.)

Oh and here's Borat on SNL from a few weeks ago.

Smart Quiz

2006-11-07T13:44:00.000-06:00

I don't know why, but for some reason when I copied this to my blog, the little icon moved from the Socially Smart area, to the Street Smart area. Oh well.
,

Socially Smart

As a socially smart person, you are best with others in real-life situations. This type of intelligence is closely linked to being 'street smart.' Theories and such are not much concern: the things that matter tend to be those which you can see, feel, touch - what you can really experience. This knowledge comes to you both out of a natural knowledge, as well as learning from the situations you find yourself in.

60% applied intelligence
20% natural intelligence

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Talk About a Waste of Tax Dollars

2006-10-31T16:45:00.000-06:00

If you thought the government spending $30 billion dollars a year to stop people from smoking a joint was a waste of money...

... check out this story!

2006 World Series: Game 3

2006-10-26T13:41:00.000-05:00

Wow! What can I say about my first World Series Game ever? Awesome baby! What an experience. It just so happened to be the first WS game played in the new stadium, which made it that much more exciting (a good story for the grandkids one day).

Monday I got a call at work from the Executive Producer of MLB Broadcast Operations. He was needed a bunch of gear setup at the stadium the next morning (some staging, drapes, etc). I told him we could do it no problem and he asked how he should arrange to pay for it. I told him we accept cash or check but not credit cards (which is what he wanted to pay with). So I tossed out the suggestion that we might be able to barter our gear and labor for some WS tickets. It was a shot in the dark... but it worked. We ended up getting 4 tickets for game three, 2 for game four, and 2 for game five. Whoo Hoo!! To say the least I was pumped.

My brother and I met my dad down near "Stan" to pickup the tickets and head to our seats (which were in section 454, row 7, seats 7 & 8). We walked in just in time to see the Clydesdales circle the stadium. Grabbed a beer without waiting and made it to our seats in plenty of time. I was just a bit chilly there in the upper deck behind home plate as the wind was gusting in from the outfield pretty good. We somehow knew we'd manage to survive the whole game though. The fans around us were great, although we did have two sets of Detroit fans near us. One of those fans happened to have something special with them. The best Fem-mullet I've ever laid eyes on. Check it out...

I think I moved the camera a bit as I took the picture (since she was turning around at the moment) and missed the glory that is the top of that mullet. A full 3 inches of spikey hair laid on top of that noggin. Wow, talk about a great way to start the game.

Here's my bro and I before the pre-game festivities had begun.

Announcing the lineups & walking in the flag.

The Waving of the Flag.

The pregame was cool (other than Trace Adkins version of the Star Spangled Banner) and it was nice to see everyone go crazy when they announced Yadi. The FA-18 flyover may have been one of the most intense things I've ever seen. Since we were sitting behind home plate in the upper deck and they came in from the outfield, it looked like they were flying right at us. They couldn't have been much more than 300' or so (probably less) above the upper deck when they passed over. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be driving down Highway 40 near the stadium as the planes bolted overhead.

As you all know by now, the game was absolutely excellent. Jimmy Ballgame came through in the clutch and got the big hit while Carp dominated the Tigers lineup. He was seriously dealing that night. The top half of each inning seemed like they lasted no longer than the commercial breaks. What an unbelievable performance. The only thing I was concerned about baseball wise is that we left 11 runners on base. We're going to have to start bringing a couple of those boys home unless you expect the Cardinals staff to pitch a shutout every night.

That's a winner!.

My bro and I, partying in the seats.

My bro and I again before we head out.

Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be posting another one of these tomorrow about tonight's game!!

Stupid Party Games

2006-10-26T11:24:00.000-05:00

Here's a new one: The Exploding Keg

I Sure Am a Lucky Bastard

2006-10-24T14:43:00.000-05:00

Way to Go MLB and FOX

2006-10-24T13:12:00.000-05:00

As if "Pine-tar-gate" isn't bad enough, check out the musical performers that MLB and Fox have lined up to perform God Bless America and the National Anthem at the St. Louis World Series games:

Game 3 National Anthem: country singer Trace Adkins

Game 3 God Bless America: country singer Jo Dee Messina

Game 4 National Anthem: Billy Ray Cyrus

Game 4 God Bless America: country duo Sugarland

WTF!!! Detroit gets Bob Seeger, Anita Baker, and Johnny Cougar and this is what we get?!? I guess FOX and MLB don't realize that St. Louis has a rich Jazz & Blues history, one of the greatest Rock n' Roll fan bases in the US (with 11 major FM Pop/Rock/Alternative stations compared to only 4 major FM country stations), or that St. Louis has many up and coming Rap, R&B, and Alternative Rock artists. Fuck, what about Tina Turner, Michael McDonald (from the Doobie Bros) or Sheryl Crow singing the anthem? They are all native to the St. Louis area.

Thanks again FOX and MLB for perpetuating the stereotype that everyone from the Midwest and St. Louis are fucking rednecks. Yeee Haww!

Best. Fan-boy Movie. Ever.

2006-10-16T13:55:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to say about this other than well fucking done!

And So It Begins

2006-10-11T13:10:00.000-05:00

Nobody even expected us to be here. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Let's go boys!

Not totally appropriate clips, but a little something to get us pumped for tonight:

Here's a better montage, from FSN I believe.

GO CARDS!!!

A New Classic From Al

2006-10-06T09:59:00.000-05:00

Here it is, in case you haven't heard it yet. Weird Al's newest song, "White and Nerdy" which is a parody of Chamillonare's, "Ridin Dirty". If you've never heard "Ridin Dirty" before I'd suggest checking it out at least through the first chorus so you can see how good the parody really is. Al's best work since "Amish Paradise".

Weird Al Yankovic - "White & Nerdy"

Chamillionare - "Ridin Dirty"

Could You Pass 8th Grade in 1895?

2006-09-26T11:40:00.000-05:00

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, Kansas - 1895

This is the eighth-grade final exam* from 1895 from Salina, Kansas. It was taken
from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society
and Library in Salina, Kansas and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts. per bu, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $.20 per inch?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10.Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10.Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10.Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

Can it Get Any Worse?

2006-09-25T12:30:00.000-05:00

Damn! How bad does a four game sweep suck against a division rival who still has a mathmatical chance of catching you and winning the division with one week left in the regular season? My vote is that it sucks really, really, really bad. Unacceptable. The bitter pesimistic side of me hopes we get swept by the Padres, and only win one against the Brewers and that Houston runs the table and catches us in the standings. I hate to say this but I would almost rather miss the playoffs than to get swept in embarrasing fashion in the first round on national televsion. Of course anything can happen in the playoffs.

Potentially Carp, Soup, and Reyes could come out and throw three gems and we could sweep the first series. Not very likely since we will almost certainly be playing the Mets (since Philly will make the wild card, and we will have the lowest record of any NL playoff team) and we won't have home field advantage.

I get to go to my last game of the year tonight. The mighty "Soup" pitches for us. Hopefully we can surge here in the last week and get into the first round with a bit of momentum. Something we haven't done the past two years.

Apparently, I Break Stuff

2006-09-22T12:53:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday night while driving home, I rolled my window down so I could smoke a cig. A horrifying mechanical grind was the sound that eliminated from the drivers door followed by the sounds of crushing glass. Then my window fell about a foot and a half down into the door. FUCK! My drivers side window motor is now officially busted. It will move the window about an inch at a time and then starts making really bad noises. If you hold it too long it will reverse direction, meaning pressing down on the window button will actually cause it to start rolling up.

Friday morning when I got to work I decided to get rid of the scruff on my face using the trimmer blade on my electric razor. Halfway through the process the trimmer blade just flat out stopped, yanking out about 30 very coarse facial hairs in the process.

Just seconds later while trying to wash the hair out of the sink, I pulled the rotating head right off the faucet causing water to spray all over the bathroom.

Later in the day on Friday while trying to copy a DVD on our automated DVD / CD burner, I screwed up the robotics of the arm that lifts the discs from the blanks stack to the drive and then to the printer.

My brother thinks I may have developed a mutant power to disable electronic motors. I think maybe I should stay the hell away from important electronics for a while.

Evolution; Is There Still a Question?

2006-09-21T12:19:00.000-05:00

So these two recent discoveries should pretty much wrap up that discussion don't you think?

Shark that walks on fins.

Oldest human fossil found.

I'm a Sucker...

2006-09-21T10:40:00.000-05:00

... for "Grey's Anatomy". I'm not sure what it is about that show but I'm hooked. I know that shows like "Lost", "West Wing", and "24" are all great but I never got drawn into them the way I have with "Grey's Anatomy". Maybe it's because I don't watch all that much network TV. Oh well, the season premiere is tonight! Here's a sweet little Snow Patrol / Grey's Anatomy video montage that will get you caught up.

Good News for Geeks

2006-09-20T16:48:00.000-05:00

You all know I'm a Tolkien geek, so I thought I'd post a few related items of interest.

1). Looks like they may make "The Hobbit" into a movie after all. Peter Jackson said he is down to direct.

2). Maybe by the time the movie comes out I'll be making enough money to live in "The Shire"!

3). Until then, I'll have to settle on going and seeing "Eragon", a new fantasy movie coming out in December. Based on a book written by a 15 year old boy (at the time) several years ago, it's apparently loosely based around Tolkien's vision of "pre-history".

Silly Jokes

2006-09-14T16:49:00.000-05:00

#1
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man."

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls roving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"You've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would ever have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I hink I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and cavoar, we drank champange, danced and had a great time . Now, there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

"What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says "Yesterday, we were campaigning."

"Today you voted."

#2
This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low Country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale - It's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. Then the car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice wavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and as not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, There's that idiot who rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

I Knew It Was Worthless

2006-09-09T09:38:00.000-05:00

Ha! I knew it all along. Most homework is a fucking useless waste of time. I knew it by the time I was 9 or 10 years old that the bullshit busy work that most of my "teachers" sent home with me wasn't teaching me a God-damn thing. More importantly it was cutting into my mastery of the original Legend of Zelda game as well as my baseball practice time.

In all seriousness though, I stopped doing homework around that time pretty much for good. Other than major projects, (both group and individual) essays, and papers, I didn't do a lick of homework unless I absolutely had to - i.e., in classes where homework counted towards more than 25% of your grade. These were also the classes I tended to get the worst grades in oddly enough.

Somehow I made it all the way through Jr. high, high school, and college and barely ever cracked a book. I was still placed in accelerated courses going into both Jr. High and high school, still performed well on my standardized testing each year, got a 29 on my ACT, and a 1380 on my SAT, and graduated from college with a 3.4 GPA. All of this just by paying attention in class (except for Bonnie Gillham's) and absorbing the material that was presented too me.

Can You Pass "The Man Test"

2006-09-07T16:47:00.000-05:00

Click here to take the concentration test for men

Whoa! New Blog Quizzes!

2006-09-07T15:18:00.000-05:00

You Are a "Don't Tread On Me" Libertarian

You distrust the government, are fiercely independent, and don't belong in either party.
Religion and politics should never mix, in your opinion... and you feel opressed by both.
You don't want the government to cramp your self made style. Or anyone else's for that matter.
You're proud to say that you're pro-choice on absolutely everything!

What's Your Political Persuasion?

You Are 40% Obsessive

You tend to have a few obsessive thoughts, but you generally have them under control.
Sometimes your worries keep you up at night, though they usually don't interfere with your life.

How Obsessive Are You?

You Are 76% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out!
Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand.
You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting.
You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.
One moment you're in your own little happy universe...
And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

You Are 76% Gross

You're pretty dirty, and there's a good change you're living in a total dump.
And your body? Not too clean either. Watch out for killer bacteria, Pig Pen!

How Gross Are You?

You Have Your Sarcastic Moments

While you're not sarcastic at all times, you definitely have a cynical edge.
In your opinion, not all people are annoying. Some are dead!
And although you do have your genuine moments, you can't help getting your zingers in.
Some people might be a little hurt by your sarcasm, but it's more likely they think you're hilarious.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Dude.. Jason... It's getting old.

2006-09-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

Picture courtesy of Rina Wear.

The Mayer of Cooltown

2006-08-30T16:49:00.000-05:00

John's back with his third studio album, "Continuum" which is set to be released on September 12, 2006. However thanks to some studio trickery from good friend of mine, I have an advanced copy (don't worry John & Columbia Records, we'll all still be buying the real album when it comes out). You can go preview it for yourself here at Clear Channel Music.

So far I'm highly impressed. Twelve solid tracks of great pop/jazz/blues/rock. A lot of you have already heard "Waiting on the World to Change" or seen the video. Guess what? That's not even close to the best song on the album. I'm personally huge a fan of "Belief", a Sting-esque, medium paced song with a driving beat. Not too heavy and not to soft, with a great chorus and a slick guitar solo. Meaningful lyrics as well.

"Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" is another new favorite. A slow bluesy ballad with a similar feel to "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton. This one promises to unbelievable live. John seems to agree with me on that premise.

"I built so many corners into these songs I cannot wait to play them live - I've been imagining myself on stage playing 'Slow Dancing in a Burning Room' for the last six months."

Here's a few more notable quotes from John on the new album:

"This is the first endeavor in my entire life, music or otherwise, that I did not cop out for a second on."

"It's meant to shed a little light on inactivity and inaction." -John Mayer, on his newest single "Waiting on the World to Change"

"The night I was recognized for 'Daughters' at the Grammys was the night this record started."

As if his song writing and musicianship aren't bad ass enough, this is his first shot at producing as well. Not to mention he's an all around cool guy. I've heard him on quite a few radio and TV interviews, read a lot of print interviews, as well as his blog and I get the impression that he's a pretty fucking smart guy. He's the type of dude I'd like to hang out with on a cool autumn evening in NYC and just bar hop and listen to some cool new music.

My only complaint (which I share with my friend Bryan) about the new disc is that there aren't enough upbeat songs. It's a bit too mellow overall. I really would have liked to hear "Try" from the JM3 album on there instead of "Vultures". I think at least two more ass-kicking blues tracks would have really made this album complete. The cover of "Bold as Love" by Jimi Hendrix while really good, just isn't enough to satisfy.

Time to Put Bob in a Home

2006-08-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

Bob Dylan, what can you say about him that already hasn't been said. How about this:

Over-rated, senile old coot, whiny baby, disillusioned, angry, horrible vocalist (OK, I'm sure that's been said already), etc.

You get my drift. Let me step back for a bit and say that I do like a couple of Bob Dylan songs, and respect both his song writing ability and what he's done for music. That being said, all of the previous above comments are true, IMHO. Before anyone jumps down my throat regarding this, let me toss out a few Dylan quotes from a recent RS article:

“You listen to these modern records, they’re atrocious…there’s no definition…” - Bob Dylan

"I don't know anybody who's made a record that sounds decent in the past twenty years, really" - Bob Dylan

"Well, why not? It ain't worth nothing anyway." - Dylan, on whether or not people should be able to download music for free.

"There’s no stature to it” - Dylan, commenting on the physical size of a compact disc.

Really Bob, is that all you've got? He goes on to note- like many an old crusty codger before him convinced that the world in his time was better and railing against the quality of today's recordings.

These are obviously all blanket statements, but I have a feeling old Bob really means it. I'd like to be sure he's speaking specifically about the "sonic quality" of the recordings and not the talent or song writing ability, but I'm not so sure. Of course Cd's have their limitations, that's hard to argue.

For example: A digital recording is actually just samples of real (analog) audio. It's just a lot of samples per second. Currently the industry standard sample rate for digital audio is 44.1 kHz, or 44,100 samples of audio per second. Each sample of audio is a distinct piece of digital information that is stored as data and has a resolution of 16 bits. In audio, bits are the number of ones and zeroes used to describe the amplitude of analog wave form through Pulse Code Modulation. The more bits there are the more accurately the original analog waveform is represented.

I could get into much greater technical detail on all this digital audio stuff (the Nyquist theory & frequency response of human hearing, compression algorithms, loss of harmonics, anti-aliasing filters, etc) but the bottom line is that digital audio will never be as true to the original sounds coming out of the instruments as analog (vinyl or cassette) will. So in part, I agree with Bob.

Now that all that is out of the way, Bob is still insane. Modern music formats (CD, SACD, DVD, and other digital audio formats) are all crystal clear. Only trained professionals or audiophiles on a very good stereo or in a studio setting can differentiate between vinyl and CD. The average music listener hears music in their car, on headphones, or on computer speakers all of which cannot replicate the delicate details in a recording the way they are heard in the studio or on a premium stereo.

I'm not quite sure what Bob's big problem is here. Yes there is a harshness to Cd's due to some of the digital audio processing I mentioned above, but I'd like to see Dylan put a record player in his car. Or for him to take a jog and listen to music by strapping a turntable to his waist. Oh and by the way Bob, make sure you keep your records constantly at room temperature with low humidity so they don't warp. And make sure to keep them lint and scratch free by cleaning the vinyl before each play so they don't skip.

Eventually, I will buy a record player and get some classic albums on vinyl. Stuff that's meant to be listened to on vinyl like, "Darkside of the Moon", or "Abbey Road", or "Led Zeppelin IV". But for now Cd's seem to be doing alright by everyone but Mr. Dylan.

And I hope he's not talking about studio techniques. There is more control over the recording process now than you could ever imagine. You can tweak just about every element of sound now in a studio, whereas back in the day you got 6 mics and a two track stereo reel to reel tape recorder and went at it. Not an easy way to record. And if you hate modern recording techniques, I know there are some great studios out there with vintage tape machines, tube compressors, reverb plates, some great old handmade microphones and a nice big great sounding room you can record in.

I seriously hope Bob's not talking about the quality of music either. While I will agree that Rock n' Roll and music in general will most likely never be as good as it was in it's heyday, there are plenty of great new artists out there making good stuff. You just have to look a little harder for them. Let me remind Bob of some of the "atrocious" recordings of the past 20 years that he seems to look down upon so mightily from his high-horse:

“Joshua Tree” - U2
“Ten” - Pearl Jam
“Graceland” - Paul Simon
“Harvest Moon” - Neil Young
“OK Computer” - Radiohead
"Grace" - Jeff Buckley
"Nevermind" - Nirvana
"Appetite For Destruction" - Guns n' Roses
"Odelay" - Beck

Just a few that I thought I'd mention.

There was a famous man who once wrote "Oh the times they are a changin'". I think that famous man was named Bob Dylan. Maybe it's time to heed your own words you old coot.

Poop Joke Ahead

2006-08-30T14:30:00.000-05:00

Three Old Guys

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Soooo, you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00"

New Rules

2006-08-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

I've received this e-mail forward at least three times this year and I don't know if I've ever passed it around or not, so I decided I'll go ahead and post it here. Doing so will also give me the opportunity to clarify that it's "Bill Maher's New Rules" and not "George Carlin's New Rules" as each of the previous e-mail forwards has erroneously stated.

And I personally believe, regardless of our particular political affiliations or whether or not you like Bill Maher, we can all pretty much agree on these.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window (drive thru) unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label; the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

Sorry, But I've Gotta Do It Again

2006-08-22T21:04:00.000-05:00

Picture courtesy of Rina Wear.

Chad Vader: Day Shift Manager

2006-08-21T16:51:00.000-05:00

This is definitely worth watching if you have ever even seen Star Wars.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

UPDATE: See episode two of Chad Vader here.

This is All I Have to Say...

2006-08-10T09:54:00.000-05:00

... about last nights game, as well as a couple of others this year.

Picture courtesy of Rina Wear.

Awesome Music Bits

2006-08-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

OK. So after I decide to take a break from blogging because I had nothing exciting to talk about, an abundance of music related news and discoveries drop into my lap. So I'll post. Back to basics.

First off, if you are even remotely a fan of music, you have to check out this site.

Pandora

Unbelievable man. It is by far one of the coolest music websites I've ever come across. Simply enter the name of a song or artist that you like, and utilizing a massive database and complex search algorithms it will create a customized play-list of similar music based on the song or artist you input. It incorporates all sorts of different recognizable qualities of a song or artist into each query. Using values like melody, harmony, tempo, beats per minute, vocal style, key, instrumentation, arrangement, etc, it will find songs that are strikingly similar to the song or artist that was input regardless of genre. What makes it even better... you get to decide if they are doing a good job or not by voting a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" to each song within a given search. Give it a thumbs down if you think it doesn't belong in the group on which the search was based, and they won't play it anymore on that particular search. Here's a snippet of how they explain it:

Together we set out to capture the essence of music at the most fundamental level. We ended up assembling literally hundreds of musical attributes or "genes" into a very large Music Genome. Taken together these genes capture the unique and magical musical identity of a song - everything from melody, harmony and rhythm, to instrumentation, orchestration, arrangement, lyrics, and of course the rich world of singing and vocal harmony. It's not about what a band looks like, or what genre they supposedly belong to, or about who buys their records - it's about what each individual song sounds like.

Over the past 6 years, we've carefully listened to the songs of over 10,000 different artists - ranging from popular to obscure - and analyzed the musical qualities of each song one attribute at a time. This work continues each and every day as we endeavor to include all the great new stuff coming out of studios, clubs and garages around the world.

Moving on...

I discovered quite possibly the cheapest place on the Internet to download MP3's.

AllofMP3.com

Most download-able songs on the net are ranging between 70 and 99 cents per song on places like Itunes, Napster, Rhapsody, etc. How about a place where you could get them for oh, I don't know, like 07 CENTS PER SONG! Or $1.50 FOR AN ENTIRE ALBUM! And I'm not talking shitty obscure garage bands here either. Some of the top artists in music on this site. You can even select your quality and audio format. Check it out. I just downloaded a 6 song EP the other day for 83 cents.

Still more music news...

For those of you who didn't know yet, my favorite local band The Formula Kid, is no more. They will release the album they were working on, and most likely play one more show when it comes out, but Drew Johnson the driving force behind the band is burnt out. From here on out he'll be focusing on writing and recording solo material, which I will be looking forward to.

Until then check out this guy:

Dave Barnes (official site)

Dave Barnes (MySpace site)

He sounds a lot like Drew vocally and has a musical style that can't be described, much like the Formula Kid. Somewhere between jazz, blues, rock, country, and pop. I can hear Steely Dan, Jackson Browne, John Mayer, Michael Buble, Rascal Flatts, Gavin DeGraw, DMB, and even old school blues rock influences via his Mississippi / Nashville upbringing. It's really very good musically. John Mayer seems to like it (read his 7/6/06 post).

Speaking of geniuses...

BT has a video trailer out for his new project (just click the view video link). I'll go out on a limb and say it looks like fucking Fantasia for the 21st century. An electronic symphony combined with stunning visual imagery. This is big man. More and more, musicians are doing things in a multimedia format. This may be the benchmark for all that follows hereafter. (You can also check this out on his official or personal MySpace pages)

And finally...

No really I mean FINALLY, the "Supergroup" Army of Anyone (Richard Patrick from Filter and the DeLeo bros from STP) have an active website up with some tracks from the new album. I'm excited!! Check them out on, yep, you guessed it...

Army of Anyone (official site)

Army of Anyone (Myspace site)

There! I posted something of quality and value! Everyone happy now?

Done For Now

2006-07-31T10:04:00.000-05:00

This is it; my last post of the summer. I don't blog all that much to begin with, I haven't had much to say lately, and no one is reading this piece of shit blog anyway. So, I'm trading in the keyboard for the rest of the summer. Unless I come across something that I really need to vent about, I wouldn't expect another post out of me until after Labor Day. I need to use the rest of the summer to focus on getting some shit done in the real world. I have not the time nor the patience for cyberspace as of right now.

It seems as though I'm not the only one following this logic. Many others on my blog-roll, who shall remain nameless, also have not posted in what seems like an eternity. Maybe I'll write some nice drafts during my hiatus and when I come back I'll have some actual content. Maybe I won't be back at all. Only time will tell.

But for now, I bid you all adieu.

Crazy Friday News

2006-07-28T10:06:00.000-05:00

Ewwww, nasty.

Ha ha! He said "world-class wieners".

Fucking uptight, old-fashioned, Puritanical, sissies!

MMMMmm, Gumballs man.

Quick Joke

2006-07-27T11:45:00.000-05:00

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far, I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

TMNT & Transformers

2006-07-21T12:10:00.000-05:00

Watch these and feel like you're 10 years old again:

TMNT Trailer

Transformers Trailer

RIP Syd Barrett

2006-07-11T17:23:00.000-05:00

Founding member of Pink Floyd, Syd Barrett died Friday of complications from Diabetes at age 60. "Shine on you crazy diamond."

Some Not So Funny Jokes

2006-07-11T17:15:00.000-05:00

THE GOLF JOKE

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure
enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the
middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey honey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"

THE QUEEN & DOLLY JOKE

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts
God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,
for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

THE PRIEST JOKE

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?" she said.

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, Dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Mary Margaret."

THE STRIP CLUB JOKE

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" Bob’s wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and asks how the waitress knows what he wanted. "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She’s screaming at him, cursing him out. As Bob tries his best to calm her down, the cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

BBQ Pics

2006-07-05T11:12:00.000-05:00

Here's a few party pics from our BBQ that I thought I'd share...

Lily resting in the grass.

A shot of Julie, Cathy, Lauren, & strange neighbor girl.

Karyn, Cathy, Lindsay, & Julie

Pete, Lindsay, Jess, & Chris

Volleyball Action Shot 1

Volleyball Action Shot 2

Liam Diving Through Fireworks 1

~~Liam~~ Mark Diving Through Fireworks

Just Plain Awesome

2006-06-30T16:44:00.000-05:00

When I saw this guy's first video last year I thought it was pretty damn neat. However, his newest video that just came out recently gave me the chills. Truly awe-inspiring. I highly recommend you watch it, then read his story here.

Nintendo Girl

2006-06-27T11:57:00.000-05:00

OBJECTIONABLE CONTENT WARNING!!!

I'm not one to put porn on my blog, but I couldn't resist this picture...

Damn that's hot!! Ohhh, she's even got Zelda in the system. I'd like to get a piece of that Triforce. Hehe!

Serious Hat Tip to this dude my sister knows.

Dog Bites Phone, Saves Man

2006-06-21T10:50:00.000-05:00

Whoa! Check out this story of a dog that called 911 and saved his owners life.

Ummm.... WTF!!!!!

2006-06-20T21:31:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted on the Cardinals yet this whole season, and for that I truly feel like a slacker. But while I hate to be a negative ninny, I have two words on last night's game...

FUCKING EMBARASSING!

80's Music Quiz

2006-06-16T13:34:00.001-05:00

I think I've taken this before but here it is again anyway. I scored an 80.5 but could have scored higher with less spelling errors.

The Worst Rock Band Ever

2006-06-12T15:26:00.000-05:00

I had meant to post on this months ago when I first came across this article, but just didn't have the time to put a decent effort into it. Turns out that I don't even need to put any effort into it as former music critic J. Eric Smith has already covered it all for me. Upon re-reading his composition I truly realized the depth, scope and attention to detail he put into this masterpiece. This article is the definitive competition for the prize of...

THE WORST ROCK BAND EVER

He has a great system for coming to a fair decision with his rules and reasoning all laid out for you. Based on his rules, I agree with 90% of his decisions as well as his final pick for worst rock band ever. It's a long read but well worth it if you are even remotely into music.

10 Things I Hate About Commandments

2006-06-08T16:53:00.000-05:00

A comedy 3,000 years in the making...

Mid Week Jokes

2006-06-08T11:59:00.000-05:00

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

The Missing "R"

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, The word was...." celebrate."

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'" Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain...."You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb shit get down."

How to Change Your Car's Oil

2006-06-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Mr. Lube when the mileage reaches 5000 kms from the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $30.00
Coffee: Free
Total $30.00

Oil Change instructions for Men

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a 4L of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, cost $50.00.
2) Stop by the cold beer and wine store and buy a case of beer for $25.00 Drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Cuss again. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil every where from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in Trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Drive to cold beer and wine store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. Cuss.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Cuss. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Cuss. Wipe eyes with oily rag ud to clean drain plug. Cuss again. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Cuss and hit something!
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit the car leaving a dent.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in more oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during Steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $50.00
Total - - $4,165.00

Letter From Human Resources

2006-06-07T11:19:00.000-05:00

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the Course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Or Vice Versa...

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Back From Mexico

2006-06-05T14:19:00.000-05:00

Mondays' suck. Especially this one, since I'm now back to work after my week in Mexico. The vacation was an absolute blast with many stories & photos I shall soon share in a post entitled...

Sex, Drugs, & Habeneros: Stories of Mexico

Mixed Feelings

2006-05-26T10:09:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna catch some serious heat for this, but on some level I agree with with a judges decision to keep a 5'1" guy out of prison for his own safety. Granted, the dude was a child molester so don't go jump the gun and think that I'm condoning his actions or that I'm saying he doesn't deserve a severe punishment. He does indeed deserve a severe punishment and certainly something more severe than the 10 year probation that he was given. But as a relatively small guy (5'6", 158 lbs.) I can tell you I wouldn't last a week in a maximum security state or federal prison. I'd be the "bitch of the week" for the first days I was there, and probably end up dead within a month. Imagine someone like myself getting busted for growing some weed or something and then essentially being sentenced to "death by inmates". Hardly seems fair to me. Let me state again, this guy is a piece of shit; but I'm not convinced that he deserves to be sentenced to an almost certain death.

Lots of New Music

2006-05-24T11:32:00.000-05:00

Wow! I just dropped about a hundred bucks on new Cd's last night. Combine that with the 60 bones I spent a week or two ago and I'm looking at many enjoyable hours of new music. Here's what I got last night:

Tool - 10,000 Days
Angels & Airwaves - We Don't Need to Whisper
Snow Patrol - Eyes Open
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium
The Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldiers
Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam

Here's what I got two weeks ago:

The Flaming Lips - At War With the Mystics
Built to Spill - You in Reverse
Bril - Airless Alarm
The Secret Machines - Ten Silver Drops

So far, daddy likey.

J.R. Richards Goes Solo

2006-05-22T16:03:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know, I'm a huge Dishwalla fan. Yes, yes, that band that wrote that "tell me all your thoughts on God" song 10 years ago. Well since then they've put out some of the best "power pop" rock in the history of music. I'm not kidding. It boggles my mind why these guys aren't selling 10 million copies of every album they release. If you are into popular alternative rock with great melodies, soaring vocals, and some sweet sounds, please do yourself a favor and check 'em out.

At any rate, I learned today through Alternative Addiction that JR Richards, the lead singer, is going to put out a solo record. This worries me. Although it's exciting in one sense to hear what type of direction his music will go and that we have the promise of new material from the heart and soul of the band, I'm worried about the future of the "Dish". He swears that the band isn't breaking up but just on hiatus. These however, are famous last words. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this only to never see the band re-unite. Please, please JR, stick to your words, put out a great solo album, and then get back in the studio with the rest of the boys and put out the greatest pop rock album ever recorded.

Thinking About Another Vacation

2006-05-19T14:34:00.000-05:00

As I ready myself to take a week long vacation to Mexico, (weeeee) I began pondering other vacation ideas for later this summer.

The first one that popped into my head was the Austin City Limits Music Festival (Ziller Park, Sept 15 - 17), which I've been wanting to attend for the past several years now. Check out the website to see the whole lineup if you so desire, but if not here's a sample anyway:

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, Wille Nelson, John Mayer, The Ranconteurs (Jack White's new band), The Flaming Lips, The Secret Machines, Massive Attack, Ben Harper, Van Morrison, The Shins, Ween, G. Love & Special Sauce, Ben Kweller, Damien Rice, Nickel Creek, Damian Marley (yes, Bob's son), The New Pornographers, Son Volt, Guster, String Cheese Incident, Sparklehorse, Wolf Parade, BoDeans....

... OK, I guess that's enough. So, if anyone is interested please let me know soon as tickets are going faster than Carl Lewis on PCP.