Did this in photoshop this morning. My team is "The Fighting Amish"

Labels: funny, misc, photos

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 11:02 AM

...Yes, I've all but completely given up on blogging for the following reasons:

A) No one reads this shit but a select few. Those few are people I generally speak to in "the real world" several times a month or more.

B) I used to do almost all my blogging from work, where my responsibilities have grown making it almost impossible for me to find any free time. This is especially true in an election year (where we do double the amount of shows from a normal year) and right as we are preparing to move the entire warehouse.

C) My free time away from work has been spent either planning a wedding, spending time with my future wife, spending time with my friends and family, or playing Warcraft. I don't have time for blogging.

D) Unless you'd really like to read about the wonders of wedding invitations, how my Warcraft character is progressing, or the exciting world of producing last minute political events for a candidate that isn't going to win, then you'd be SOL. I really don't have much else worth writing about these days.

E) From what I've found at least, the blogging trend seems to be dying out. Those blogs that are successful and have a decent readership will stick around, but the lame ones like mine are starting to fade in numbers. Unlike 2006 when Time magazine named "YOU" the person of the year because everyone and their brother had a blog and/or a MySpace page, I don't think anyone really cares anymore. Even people I know who went ape shit over MySpace 2 years ago, simply don't give a flying fudge about it these days.

I'm certainly going to keep the website up and around, and maybe someday in the near future will resume blogging once again. This almost certainly won't be until after the wedding, after we've moved the shop, and after the presidential elections. I even thought briefly about turning this sucker into a music blog, but I don't even follow new music as closely as I used to. Maybe I'm just getting boring as I get older who knows?

Until next time...

Labels: future posts, lazy, misc

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 9:58 AM

THE RETURN OF THE MIGHTY ZEPPELIN!!

Labels: concerts, music

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 10:46 AM

Just one of the many reasons I'm not religious. I don't think this one really needs more of an explanation than that.

Labels: odd, religion, strange news

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 12:03 AM

11:00 AM and the temperatures in the Lou have yet to crack 80. Fall is just around the corner. This is a good thing.

Also, for the first time this summer I have made it more than two days in a row without having a drop of alcohol. I'm on day five without hitting the sauce. However, the annual Majestic Fantasy Football draft is this evening at 10:00 PM and I expect the beer will be flowing like... well... Beer.

Labels: drinkin, misc

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 11:11 AM

The L-Train brought it to my attention the other day that I hadn't posted in almost too months. So here's a lazy post that should buy me a little bit more time before I resume regularly scheduled blogging activities.

Like AL said "The Summers Ain't for Blogging"




LIFE

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

LIFE... has now been explained to you :-)



MARRAIGE

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered....

"THE TEETH."



DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"!



PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of intense love making, he notices a photo of another Man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."



THE POOR BOX

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"



LEMON JUICE

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."



DOG FUNERAL

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



SEX WITH COLLEGE GIRLS

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."



THE STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter".

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard!

“That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.....

And before he could say "Fuck", the Rottweiler ate him!



WOMENS PRAYER / MENS PRAYER

THE WOMAN'S PRAYER –

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
That knows the answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S PRAYER –

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.



COUNTING COWS

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

Now give me back my dog."

Labels: funny, jokes

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 11:57 AM

Never Choke in a Southern Restaurant near Ignorant Bend.....

Two Ignorant Bend, Arkansas hillbillies walked into their favorite local Bar-b-Que Restaurant. After they ordered their meal, they talked about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her underpants, spreads her butt-checks and quickly gives her anus a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."


Wal-Mart Wine

Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it began offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to buy a bottle of Wal-Mart brand, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

1. Chateau Traileur Parc
2. White Trashfindel
3. World Championship Riesling
4. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat(Possum)or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.


Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."


The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'So.... you're a
man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police to arrive....'

Labels: funny, jokes

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 1:56 PM

Finally, the US State Department realized they fucked up and relaxed the passport rules a bit.

Some of you may remember this recent post where it came down to the day before I traveled before I got my passport. This was only after spending literally days on the phone with the passport hot-line, lying about my travel date (I told them I was travelling on 5/23 instead of my actual travel date of 5/25), and several phone calls to my congressman's office to help expedite the processing time. While I was one of the fortunate ones that actually did receive my passport, there were more than a few families that we bumped into while in Mexico who had to leave one or more people behind because their passports never arrived. I'm sure without the previously mentioned actions that I took, I doubt I would have gotten mine either.

I'm all for everyone being required to have passports in order to leave and re-enter the country. I think it's an excellent, simple, and cost effective step forward in helping to secure our borders. But, if the government is going to make it this difficult to do, I'd be willing to change my stance. This quote from Maura Harty, the assistant secretary for consular affairs at the US State Department, just reeks of "It's not our fault" type spin:

"What we did not anticipate adequately enough was the American citizens' willingness and desire to comply with the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative in the time frame that they did."

Shiny positive words like "willingness", "desire", and "comply" indicate that applying for a passport is some cheery process that everyone was really looking forward to doing. WRONG! You passed a law and made it mandatory. People knew that if they didn't have a passport, they weren't going to get on the plane. It wasn't a matter of willingness or desire.

And you can't tell me that the EFFING US GOVERNMENT doesn't have travel data about how many people fly to Mexico, the Caribbean, and Canada each year. Sweet Christ! Your local travel agent has that kind of information.

Here's what that quote should have looked like:

"We apologize to the American people for this massive oversight by the US State Department. We did not do adequate research on the number of American citizens that travel to these destinations to which the new passport laws apply. Furthermore, we had neither the staff nor the infrastructure in place to handle the increased demand for passports when this law was passed. Our sincerest apologies go out to all Americans who's travel plans have been affected by this mistake."

Buck up and take the blame guys. You passed the law, now deal with it.

Labels: anger, political, vacation

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 1:56 PM

...most homework (especially for young children) is a giant waste of time. Somehow I made it all the way to college without ever doing so much as a lick of homework (other than major papers & projects) and still managed to be in accelerated classes, score a 29 on my ACT, a 1380 on my SAT and graduate from a private University with a 3.4 GPA. Even in college, I rarely cracked a book to "study". Just pay attention in class, take some concise notes, do good research when working on papers and projects and skip all the eff-ing crap they send home with you. It seemed to work out OK for me.

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 1:00 PM

...so I absolutely had to post this clip.

Labels: celebrity, funny, people I despise, videos

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 12:09 PM

That's right ladies. I'm-a gettin hitched.

Karyn and I on the beach the night after our engagement.

Proposal and ring pictures as well as stories from Mexico to follow.

Labels: engagement, love, vacation

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 10:21 AM

Labels: vacation

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 5:16 PM

Holy shit I want one!

Labels: music, technology, youtube

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 12:54 PM

I applied for my passport on Wednesday March 7. At the time I applied the wait time for a passport was 8 weeks. I travel to Mexico on Friday of this week. I still have yet to receive my passport. This after a phone call on Tuesday to the National Passport Agency, I was told I would have it in my hands by Sunday (yesterday).

We're heading into week 11 here. My friends Nick and Erin applied for their passports a week after me yet still received them over a week ago. If I don't have my passport by Wednesday of this week, heads are going to fucking roll. YOU HEAR ME STATE DEPARTMENT? HEADS WILL FUCKING ROLL!!!

UPDATE: This morning (5/23) at 7:15 am, after 50 phone calls, tons of anxious waiting, and I near nervous breakdown, I finally got my passport. Now excuse me while I go dance a jig.

Labels: anger, political, vacation

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 11:55 PM

This dude seriously got served.

Labels: funny, odd, strange news

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 2:20 PM