Never Choke in a Southern Restaurant near Ignorant Bend.....

Two Ignorant Bend, Arkansas hillbillies walked into their favorite local Bar-b-Que Restaurant. After they ordered their meal, they talked about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her underpants, spreads her butt-checks and quickly gives her anus a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."


Wal-Mart Wine

Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it began offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to buy a bottle of Wal-Mart brand, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

1. Chateau Traileur Parc
2. White Trashfindel
3. World Championship Riesling
4. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat(Possum)or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.


Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."


The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'So.... you're a
man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police to arrive....'

Labels: funny, jokes

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 1:56 PM