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Quarter Life Crisis

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Best Break-up Letter Ever

The following is an e-mail going around NYC... California... Washington... Atlanta... Texas... Ohio and now Missouri.

The 1st part is a girl's apology email for cheating. 2nd is his HILARIOUS response which was forwarded to his entire address book and is now circulating everywhere.



It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly,truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way.

There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can Say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today,

I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.




Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing";

Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans.

I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.

The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.

Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,


Video Christmas Cards for My Readers

Card #1 (a real video Christmas Card)

Card #2 (a funny video Christmas Card)

A Little Jimmy Joke

Did you hear about little Jimmy?

He is four years old. He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something." Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.

Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the c@ck sucker back down. Then you have to take a c*nt hair off each side and put the Mother f@cker back up."

Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait till your Dad comes home." When Jimmy's dad got home,
mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the
whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch."

Jimmy replied, "F*@k you, that's the Electrician's job."

Aye Laddy, Ya Can't Wear Yer Kilt

A high school student from Jackson, MO, along with several Scottish Heritage groups are protesting the students right to wear traditional Scottish formal wear to a high school dance. When the student (who's is a descendant of Scottish heritage) appeared at the dance wearing a Kilt, he was told by the principal to go change into some pants because he didn't want "students coming into it (the dance) looking like clowns."

I say wear it with pride laddy! Just make sure you've got some undies on at least.

One of the Worst Humans Alive to Visit the Lou

It seems as though this ass-clown and his band of brainwashed hatemongers are making a visit to St. Louis tommorow to protest the funeral of Army Spc. Peter Navarro of Ellisville, MO.

The ass-clown in question is none other than my favorite guy to hate, Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. This monkey-fucker is one of the closest things we have to a modern day Hitler, besides Saddam Hussein. He claims to be a "Five-Point Calvinist", which is just a fancy way to say Fundamentalist Baptist Douche bag, who believes the literal truth of the bible and preaches extreme intolerance along with claims that Jesus died on the cross for the salvation of a select few only. He claims that the world needs to hear his teachings, such as the premise that "God Hates Fags" "more than it needs oxygen, water and bread."

I'd link his website, but I don't need to give this shithead anymore free advertising. I questioned even writing this post due to my utter lack of respect for this butt-fucker. I'm sure you can all find it if you'd like to see how sick this dude really is. I'm sure he got into teaching this stuff cause he's only repressing his own homosexual tendencies.

On a lighter note, the city of Ellisville along with Peter's church have planned to recruit over 200 people carrying American flags to block the protest and give a bit of peace to the family of the deceased.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Reality School

Just ran across this 14 minute short film starring Richard Karn (Al from "Home Improvement"), Danica McKellar ("The Wonder Years") and Mark DeCarlo (you've seen him before in other spoof movies). Karn and DeCarlo are both teachers at a school set up to teach people how to act on a reality TV. It's got some pretty funny moments such as this line from DeCarlo's character in a scene where someone was scared to eat bull testicles:

"Now, that was a convincing portrayal of someone who was about to devour bull semen"

Check it out here for yourself.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Top 100 Bars & Nightclubs

As part of it's 20th anniversary, Oxford Publishing, Inc. the company that publishes "Nightclub & Bar" magazine just released a list of it's Top 100 Nightclubs and Bars in the country. They are listed in alphabetical order with no specific ranking. The Lou is represented by both "The Pin-Up Bowl" at #62 and a posthumous listing of "Velvet" at #97.

Spelling Errors

I know most of you have seen this before, but I thought I'd post it anyway for fun. Read the following passage and see if you can understand it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Let Them Sing it For You

Can't sing. Just type in some song lyrics here and let the computer do all the work. Fun for everyone!

Old Busch

The last pieces of the now "old Busch Stadium" came tumbling down last night to hail of fireworks and cheers and honks from a small crowd of onlookers.

Click here to see the St. Louis Post Dispatch photo gallery of old Busch, and check out the time elapsed demolition camera here.

UPDATE: Looks like the time elapsed demo cam is down either for good or just due to the demand for the stream. Keep yourself occupied until it comes back online by checking out this Google Maps game, Find The Landmark. Specifically the old Busch Stadium. Guess who's got the fastest time? Good luck beating 5 seconds. Mmwahaha!!

News of the Strange

Here's a freaky story about two brothers that were killed in a car accident. Two separate car accidents that is... 5 miles and 15 minutes apart from each other.

Here's a couple of stories about the po-po's:

The first is about some cops in San Francisco that were suspended for making a movie spoofing life on the police force. The problem is, the police chief and the mayor aren't laughing citing that the video "is shameful, it is offensive, it is sexist, it is homophobic and it is racist".

The next is about a cop who tazered his partner during a disagreement because she didn't want to stop at a gas station to grab a soda. The fucking weirdo has already been fired.

Here's another story about a college kid who bagged a wild elk while hunting in southern Illinois. A self sustaining population of wild elk haven't been spotted in southern Illinois in over 200 years. The last elk spotted in southern Illinois was in 2001 when a few escaped from a preserve.

The last story is about a snake that ate a 330 lb. calf whole. Yummmm.... er ouch, one of the two.

Friday, December 02, 2005


I rented a really excellent movie on Wednesday called "Crash", directed by Paul Haggis who wrote "Million Dollar Baby". Very good flick, highly recommended.

Great story about several characters of different racial backgrounds that collide in a series of incidents, over the course of a few days in LA. Decent cast with a lot of "B" level stars (Sandra Bullock, Brendan Fraser, Ryan Phillippe, etc) but they all manage to do a great job.

Great socio-political discourse without being too preachy or one sided. In fact co-writer Bobby Moresco explains that they had to avoid "trying to be politically correct" in discussing race to make the story work. Think, the message from "American History X" (without all the violence) meets a story that is laid out like "Pulp Fiction" (with all those short vignettes in random order).The review at IMDb (towards the bottom of the page) sums up the movie pretty well.

It came just came out earlier this year and never really hit very big at the box office due to the movies it was up against on Memorial Day weekend, but it was a critical darling. IMDb has it ranked in it's coveted top 250 movies of all time, at an astounding #60. Oh, and Entertainment Weekly gave it an A.

If you really want to get a feel for what the movie is like, visit the "Crash" hompage and watch the trailer or click on "experience the movie" and run though that real quick.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

"Lame Celebrity" News

Former Creed frontman Scott "My Music is Shit" Stapp is apparently an alcoholic and an asshole to top it off. According to Rolling Stone, Stapp drunkenly wandered into a hotel bar in Baltimore on Thanksgiving evening and started a fight with the band 311, who happened to be taking a night off from thier tour and watching the Lakers game. From the RS article:

"We had just finished dinner and were at the hotel bar to watch the Lakers game when Scott Stapp walked in being very loud and obnoxious," Martinez tells Rolling Stone. "In fact, one of the first things he said was that he loved to fight. So he started doing shots and breaking the glass on the bar, almost hitting one of our crew guys. My wife and I moved to a table and eventually Scott made his way over and sat down. He was looking for attention. Even before that, he had wadded up a napkin that he lobbed in our direction. It was pathetic, and we tried to ignore him, but it was impossible. Then he made a pretty disrespectful comment to my wife, which I'd rather not repeat, but in no uncertain terms, the word 'fuck' was used. That's when [drummer] Chad [Sexton] walked over."

As if that's not bad enough, the New York daily news reported that just Tuesday of this week, Stapp terrorized the set of a Spike TV show called "Casino Cinema" where he was to appear as a guest co-host. From the NYDN article:

"From the moment he walked into the studio, he was rude, belligerent and drunk," reports a Lowdown spy. "With Beth, he was nothing but extremely mean, sexist and an all-around jerk."

Another source says that even with his publicist in tow, Stapp cursed "every other word," called a female executive producer a "b-," constantly flipped the bird, and referred to Ostrosky - better known as Howard Stern's longtime girlfriend - as a "bimbo."

Stapp also couldn't resist taking swipes at his more famous rock colleagues. "I met [U2's] Bono and The Edge, and Bono was an a- to me," he declared, before insulting Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl's manhood as "freaking little."

When a crew member accidently bumped into him on the set and quickly said he was sorry, Stapp snapped, "Yeah, you better f-ing be."

What?!? Is this dude kidding? A psuedo "Christian Rocker" pulling this shit. And he just released a new solo CD (which sounds exactly like Creed's shit by the way). As if his crap music didn't make him look like enough of a puss, this is all just the cherry on top.

Potentially vs. Realistically

When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh ! my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep
with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a
million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but realistically,......... we're living with two sluts
and a queer.

No More Checks

I've decided I will no longer be writing checks. For anything. Ever. It's credit, debit, cash, cashiers check, PayPal or money order from here on out. Just thought you all would like to know.

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