Quarter Life Crisis
A Big Fish Story
"So, I was out fishing on the river in Alton, Illinois the other day and I caught a 124 pound catfish!.... No really I did!!
-- Tim Pruitt explaining to his buddies why he smells of fish
PG-13 Jokes (Part II)
Miracles of Modern Medicine
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years! "the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Cool Rock Video
Anyone remember that band I was raving about last summer, The Secret Machines
? Well you should. Here's further proof. They just released one of the cooler music videos I've seen in a long time. Check it out here at Rolling Stone
(click on "The Road Leads Where It's Led" link),or try it here at MTV
(this one didn't seem to be working for me however)
Some PG-13 Jokes
The Welfare Joke
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
The Funeral Joke
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral; I'm a gynecologist."
And that's when the proctologist fainted.
Good News For People Who Like Real Blues
Here's some sweet news hot off the press for John Mayer's more "mature" fans. In a recent interview with RS, John had this to say about his upcoming album:
"I'm ready to shake it all up," JOHN MAYER told Rolling Stone of his next studio album, "Continuum," due in early 2006. "They are tunes that live on guitar. When it comes out, I may never win a Grammy again, I may never sell a million records again, but the world will get where I'm coming from."
Excellent news if you ask me. I knew eventually John would take this road musically, I just figured it would take him another two albums and 6 more Top 40 hits. The article also mentions that he is currently one of the most requested musicians for guest appearances on albums by other artists (outside the Hip-hop world of course) including Buddy Guy, and Eric Clapton. He'll also be performing with Herbie Hancock at Bonnaroo this June.
Here's two quick quizzes I stole from the L-train
First the 2005 Political Typology Survey
Based on your answers to the questionnaire, you most closely resemble survey respondents within the Liberal typology group. This does not mean that you necessarily fit every group characteristic or agree with the group on all issues.
Liberals represent 17 percent of the American public, and 19 percent of registered voters.
There wasn't much else to choose from among the results, so I guess this is as close as they can peg me.
This group has nearly doubled in proportion since 1999, Liberals now comprise the largest share of Democrats and is the single largest of the nine Typology groups. They are the most opposed to an assertive foreign policy, the most secular, and take the most liberal views on social issues such as homosexuality, abortion, and censorship. They differ from other Democratic groups in that they are strongly pro-environment and pro-immigration, issues which are more controversial among Conservative and Disadvantaged Democrats.
Pretty close, but I'm not all that opposed to an assertive foreign policy if it's done right, and I'm certainly not pro
Strongest preference for diplomacy over use of military force. Pro-choice, supportive of gay marriage and strongly favor environmental protection. Low participation in religious activities. Most sympathetic of any group to immigrants as well as labor unions, and most opposed to the anti-terrorism Patriot Act.
I'd prefer a balance of diplomacy and military force. Not all that sympathetic to the "oppressed".
Who They Are
Most (62%) identify themselves as liberal. Predominantly white (83%), most highly educated group (49% have a college degree or more), and youngest group after Bystanders. Least religious group in typology: 43% report they seldom or never attend religious services; nearly a quarter (22%) are seculars. More than one-third never married (36%). Largest group residing in urban areas (42%) and in the western half the country (34%). Wealthiest Democratic group (41% earn at least $75,000).
I found it noteworthy that Liberals were the most highly educated group according to this survey. I fit in pretty well with those stats, other than making more than 75k a year (maybe someday soon).
Largest group to have been born (or whose parents were born) outside of the U.S. or Canada (20%). Least likely to report having a gun at home (23%) or attending bible study or prayer group meetings (13%).
Bush 2%, Kerry 81%
59% Democrat; 40% Independent/No Preference, 1% Republican (92% Dem/Lean Dem)
Liberals are second only to Enterprisers in following news about government and public affairs most of the time (60%). Liberals’ use of the internet to get news is the highest among all groups (37%).
Almost all of the above is true, other than the fact that my parents and I were all born here. So I suppose it's not too far off all things considered, but I really consider myself an independent with liberal tendancies.
Ok, so now on to some serious stuff like...
|Your Star Wars Masturbation Method Is:|
Thumping Chewbacca on the Head
A Flurry of Music Posts (Best of 2004)
This should be the first of a large batch of posting coming your way. Most of them will be primarily about music, something I haven't blogged about in a while. So let's get started then...
Some of you might have heard that I'd been planning a little secret surprise for all my pals that are interested in hearing some good music. Well I've officially completed my "Jeff Nunn's Best of 2004" music collection. It's comprised of 12 discs spanning the realm of popular music that I discovered between about November of 2003 and January of 2005. Most of the recordings were indeed released in late '03 or during '04, but some may be older stuff that I just now got into during the past year or so.
Here's the deal. This was all done for all of you. So, those who are interested in getting this package of 12 discs all you have to do is let me know. If you are here in the Lou, or plan to be soon. I can hand deliver them to you. Easy as pie. If you are from elsewhere across this great land of ours, I may have to simply charge you some shipping, since mailing 12 CD's costs a bit more than 37 cents.
Maybe some of you will only be interested in certain discs from the collection. That's fine too. Here's how it breaks down:
- Pure Pop Music (1 Disc)
- Popular Hard/Alt Rock (3 Discs)
- Strange Hard/Alt Rock (2 Discs)
- Pure Pop Rock (3 Discs)
- Singer-Songwriter Rock (3 Discs)
Just let me know who's interested by leaving a comment, or sending me an email. Hope to hear from you all soon!!