Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Mr. Lube when the mileage reaches 5000 kms from the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $30.00
Coffee: Free
Total $30.00


Oil Change instructions for Men

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a 4L of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, cost $50.00.
2) Stop by the cold beer and wine store and buy a case of beer for $25.00 Drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Cuss again. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil every where from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in Trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Drive to cold beer and wine store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. Cuss.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Cuss. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Cuss. Wipe eyes with oily rag ud to clean drain plug. Cuss again. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Cuss and hit something!
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit the car leaving a dent.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in more oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during Steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $50.00
Total - - $4,165.00

- these thoughts flowed through Jeff's fingers @ 11:24 AM